The Cheese That Wouldn’t Die

The Cheese That Wouldn't Die

Here in Ohio, the sun has finally made an appearance. Speaking of which, what’s up, May? I have to say I’m disappointed in your performance. It’s already May 8th, (pauses to check ink and crayon-covered calendar) Yep, May 8th. Lordy! You are very late to the party this year. If this nonsense keeps up we’re going to have to talk about a job re-assignment. So be a big girl and quit acting like March, or that’s just where you’ll find yourself. You’re dismissed. Good day. I said good day!

Before I head out to finally tackle the weeds in the garden beds, I thought I’d share something that happened yesterday. Something that means I likely will never eat this particular food again. And I’ve been eating it for my entire life, and feeding it to my kids, so I didn’t make this decision lightly.

My family has a cabin deep in the North woods of Michigan. Being in the North woods, it tends to attract, um, critters, in the off season when the cabin is closed up. It’s an old cabin, so somehow they manage to find their way in and all winter long it’s like, “Duuuude! House party! Jeb’s gonna score some acorns from his older brother! It’s gonna be sweet, bro!”

"So then I was all, 'I double dog dare you to eat it, bro!' and he was all 'No way! That's disgusting!' Dude, it was epic!"

“So then I was all, ‘I double dog dare you to eat it, bro!’ and he was all ‘No way! That’s disgusting!’ Dude, it was epic!”

So, when the place gets opened up again in the spring, the party leavins are abundant. The place is littered with leftovers. And poop. Lots of poop. Scenario set? Good. So when  VP decided to head up there for a couple of days of fishing,  he was the first one up there since the cabin got closed up in September.

When he got home from his trip, he told me this story.

The first thing he noticed when he walked in is that the refrigerator door had been left slightly ajar, which is a normal thing to do when you turn off power to a refrigerator for 8 months. Otherwise the inside gets all black, mildew-y and nasty. (Y’all, adorable woodland creatures aside, even Cinderella’s not going to be singing a happy tune if she has to don the rubber gloves and scrub down that mess.)

The next thing VP noticed is that someone had stored a bunch of rolls of paper towels and toilet paper in the open refrigerator.  Weird, but whatevs. Can’t trouble myself with the whys of that. Anyway, the paper towels and toilet paper had been pretty much destroyed by the various furry creatures who took a romp through the refrigerator. Yep, they ate the toilet paper and paper towels! Guess they ran out of chips and salsa. Hey-o!

But, as VP reports, sitting in the middle of the mess were three slices of cheese. Perfectly pristine in their wrappers. So pristine that they looked as if someone had put them in there the day before. But no. These slices of cheese were sitting in a refrigerator that had been turned off for eight months, and were completely unaffected by lack of refrigeration or the passage of time. Hey, who wants a sandwich?

I’d like to mention  that the cheese slices  were also completely untouched.  Untouched. As in, the animals that had been partyingtheir furry little fannies off in the cabin for the past eight months wouldn’t even eat them. Folks, these were critters that ate paper towels and toilet paper.  They obviously weren’t picky.   They just didn’t recognize those cheese slices as any form of food.

VP was appalled and horrified, not by the animal detritus that littered the refrigerator, (okay, he thought that was extremely disgusting too) but by the amount of chemicals and trickery that it must take in order to render this so called “cheese” not only indestructible, but also apparently inedible to scavengers. That’s right: When the end of the world comes the only survivors will be cockroaches and processed cheese slices.

Now, I love a good grilled cheese as much as anyone.  But I think from now on, with that picture in my head? It’s gonna have to be made with something other than “processed cheese food” (as it says right on the package).  Because if a mouse won’t even touch it? I’m thinking I probably shouldn’t either.

Plus now I can justify buying the expensive French cheese. Vacheron, here I come. Who’s winning? This gal. Have a great day!






  1. Ewwwwwww…….
    Also. Don’t be hatin’ on the acorns. They’re awesome. 😉

  2. Now I’m questioning our purchases of processed cheese. Maybe the deli from here on out? Hope the fridge is okay now! 🙂

    • Deli or cheese department all the way for us from now on. As for the fridge, nothing a whole lot of Clorox won’t cure.

  3. That is either nasty or funny or both! Either way, it’s put me off of fake cheese slices and now I simply MUST join you in buying expensive French cheese. I’m sure hubby will love my logic behind this one!

    Thanks for sharing, you made me giggle.

    • Expensive French cheese makes me happy. Aaaannnd I just realized I sounded suspiciously like Marie Antoinette.

  4. Cannot stop laughing…but wait…I DO eat that cheese. I know it. If animals that aren’t particular couldn’t recognize that as food and it can’t spoil, GAH!!! Hahahaha and ew.

  5. I knew there was a very valid reason I don’t eat processed cheese!

  6. That is amazing – I can’t believe they didn’t touch it!

    • I know! Thus answering the question, how fake does a food have to be before even a rodent won’t eat it?

  7. Amazing. Another reason I can justify to my husband that he has to keep buying me fresh mozzarella from the gourmet deli.

  8. Oh wow, that is so disturbing! I think I’m going to avoid eating cheese for a little while. I debating about telling my husband about this story, but considering how much he loves cheese, I guess I can spare him, haha.

  9. Holy cow! I knew that stuff was almost indestructible but the animals wouldn’t even eat it? Yikes!

    Guyere, roquefort, and havarti — on my grocery list now 🙂

  10. Eeeewwww! I knew that Mickey D french fries would survive the apocalypse, but I didn’t realize processed cheese was in that category, too. Luckily I’m a huge fan of cheese and selfishly only bought the real stuff (budget be damned), but I always did like how gooily (<—new word) processed cheese melted on a grilled cheese sammy.

    • As far as I’m concerned, “gooily” is now officially a word. Can’t think of a better adverb to describe melting cheese.

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