Never Let ‘Em See You Goop

Despite their jaunty neckerchiefs, the group faded into obscurity after years of failed efforts to work "Consciously Uncoupling" into a country song.

Despite their jaunty neckerchiefs, the group faded into obscurity after years of failed efforts to work “Consciously Uncoupling” into a country song.

Turn out the lights when you leave, folks. The party’s over, and all that’s left are a couple of unfortunately named children and a smattering of organic red pepper hummus on an exquisite china plate.

That’s right; Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are divorcing.  Er, separating. No wait. “Consciously uncoupling”, to use Dear Gwyneth’s language.  So, apparently, if you’re Gwyneth Paltrow, the words that mere mortals use are too common for her. Divorce? Separation? Eeeewwwww! So middle class. So… flyover country. I am the mighty Gwyneth, and I have a golden halo that surrounds me and all that I do. Do not approach the halo. Security!  A common person is breathing the same air as me! I demand my own air!

It got me curious. I’d never been to the Goop website, the paean to All Things Great and Paltrow.  So against my better judgment I decided to check it out. Unfortunately, it turns out one cannot access the valuable information without a subscription. I considered subscribing, for research purposes. I really did. But as it turns out I’d rather have my fingernails pulled out one by one than have Gwyneth Paltrow show up in my in-box once a week.  So instead I just spent a few minutes surveying one of the only pages available to the wretched non-subscribed.  I got a distinct vibe of Glinda in the bubble, descending from heavens to bestow her wisdom on the poor unfortunates below.  After a couple of paragraphs of  Gwynnie explaining her altruistic motives for allowing the unwashed masses to attempt to be just as fabulous as her, well, my eyes glazed over. Probably with Goop. I’m not sure.

But, back to the “consciously uncoupling” curiosity. Apparently in Gwyneth-speak, even the most unpleasant words or routine daily tasks need to be fancied up so they have a certain cache. Like tarnished silver, they can be polished to a high shine that will make unappealing stink-bombs suddenly a trendy part of the lexicon.

I know, I know, you’re looking at your Target t-shirt and possibly can’t remember if you brushed your teeth this morning, thinking, “But how can I ever achieve the heights of The Great Gwyneth? Lo, I fear it to be an impossible task.” Fear not, I’m here to help.  Will it give you the flaxen hair that looks like it was shat out by a thousand angels? No. Nor will it give you the ice cold, thousand-yard stare or the look on your face that says “Your utter lack of fabulousness bores me.”  But it will give you a certain Goop- inspired panache that is sure to be a hit at pre-school drop-off.

Try these phrases to give some sparkle to your humdrum life, and you too, can feel like you’re married to consciously uncoupling with a rock star.

For example, you’re not eating;  You’re “Ethically Masticating”. Ooohhh, fancy!

How about instead of showering, you try “Organically Purifying”? I’ll bet you’re starting to feel a bit more Gwyneth-like as we speak.

Whatcha doing? “Cleaning the house.”  No you’re not; you’re “Domestically Clarifying”.

Need to go grocery shopping? Try “Resourcefully Foraging” instead.

Feel like exercising?  Good for you, but “Energetically Fortifying your Essence” is a sure fire way to feel like an Oscar winner!

Are you getting the idea? Napping becomes “Responsibly Re-energizing your Aura”.

Sucking back three cups of expensive coffee becomes “Conscientiously Supporting Fair-Trade Workers”.

Sitting becomes “Assertively Co-mingling with the Furniture”.

Eating all of the Girl Scout cookies in the pantry becomes “Creating more Space through Consumption”.

Even licking Cheetos dust off of your fingers can sound fancy if you call it “Eco-friendly Cleansing”.

With these handy phrases, I hope I’ve given you a good start on your shiny new Gwyneth-inspired life. In no time, I’m sure you will have perfected the lingo, as well as the frosty look that threatens to turn lesser beings to stone.

But first you should probably brush your teeth.


Never Let 'Em See You Goop