Interview with My Kids

Sadly, the bear's suggestion that the dancer take her shirt off, whip it around her head, and yell "Whoooo hooo!" was ignored by the director.

Sadly, the bear’s suggestion that the dancer take her shirt off, whip it around her head, and yell “Whoooo hooo!” was ignored by the director.

 

Okay, business first. It’s Blogger Idol voting time again. The assignment this week was to “write an article about a fictional crime you’ve committed”.  Let’s just say I went to town on a seasonal favorite. And possibly offended an entire segment of the agricultural population. Who knew I had such a dark heart?

The voting is now live, folks. Click here to get to the Blogger Idol page, read my submission, and cast your vote. I’m going to need your help to remain in the contest for another week, because your votes count heavily toward the overall score. If I don’t get enough votes, a trap door will pop open and I’ll slide down the chute to the incinerator just like Veruca Salt.  Do you really want to be responsible for depriving the contest, and the world, of my witticism and mirth? (surreptitiously checks the definition of “mirth”. Um, close enough.) I’ll wait here while you go vote. Take your time.

Okay, did you vote yet? Don’t worry, if you want to read this post first, I understand. I’ll helpfully provide the link again toward the end. I’m a giver.

Now, on to today’s post. Some of you may remember the job interview that I did with my son last year, which took some strange twists and turns. Don’t trust him with the good silver, is all I’m saying. And now, taking my inspiration from bloggers extraordinaire Jenn over at Something Clever , Meredith at From Meredith to Mommy, and Tracy at Crazy as Normal, I’m interviewing my kids about me. I kind of took the Vanity Fair “Proust Questionnaire” and turned it on its ear. The answers were… well, just read for yourself.

What is my idea of perfect happiness?

Lucy, age 12: Um, probably like, a quiet room where there’s a big bed where you can nap forever.

The Boy, age 6: Me cleaning the whole house? (Based on my job interview post of last year? Not likely to happen.)

Magpie, age 9: Italian dinners. Clean rooms. Everyone not ignoring you when you say, “Clean your room”. And Flowers. And Sleeping.

What is my greatest fear?

Magpie: Spiders? Oh, and stepping in gooshy things.

The Boy: Being attacked by ninjas.

What living person do I most admire? 

Lucy: Me. (The child obviously has no self-esteem issues.)

Question: What is my greatest extravagance?

Kids: ….

What do I spend too much money on? 

Magpie:  Organic things! Fancy perfumes! Plates! (Okay, now you’re just swinging at anything.)

Lucy: Stuff at Whole Foods. (Guilty.)

The Boy: Makeup!

VP: Yes! She spends too much money on makeup! (Note to my husband: Hush. You’re not the one being interviewed, INTERVIEW STEALER!)

What trait do I most deplore in others?

The Boy: I don’t know what that means.

It means name something that other people do that I don’t like.

Lucy: Rudeness.

The Boy: You don’t like it when people take off their shirts and whip them around their head and yell “Whooooo hooo!”

Um, okay. What talent would I most like to have?

Magpie: Spinning plates on your fingers!

Lucy: Singing!

The Boy: Taking your shirt off and whipping it around your head and yelling, “Whooooo hoooo!” (Anyone sensing a theme here, or at least a frat boy in the making?)

Which words or phrases do I most overuse?

Lucy: Bad words.

Magpie: H-E double hockey sticks.

The Boy: Dog Nammit!

Okay, okay, forget that one. What is my most treasured possession?

Magpie: Me!

The Boy: Me.

Lucy: Me. No, your laptop! (Um, the first answer makes me look better, so we’re going with that one.)

What do I consider my greatest achievement?

The Boy: Growing tomatoes!

Lucy: Having children.

E. (family friend): I know, I know! Making  it into that contest thing or whatever it is.

 

Which brings us neatly back around to where we started. I totally didn’t fudge the order of the interview questions to make that happen, either. (Okay, I did. It’s all about flow, people.) If you haven’t already, please take a second to vote for me for Blogger Idol. Because spinning plates on my fingers is not a career option for me, as far as I know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a Dance Party!

I got invited to a party. A Bloggy Dance, to be exact. This is a Major Award, people! See?

bloggydance

Apparently, this is when another blogger acknowledges your fabulous-ness (my words, but whatever), invites you to answer some questions, and then you pick someone else who you think  is fabulous and then you pass it along. The awesome Crazy as Normal awarded it to me, and I thank her for the honor. Also she said she would check whether I did it or not, and she scares me just a little bit. But in a good way.

So, here are the questions, as passed to me, and my answers:

Favorite Time of Year – Definitely summer.  After a long Ohio winter, I can’t get enough warmth and sunshine. Also I’m one of those moms who looks forward to having the kids home, and to having unstructured time with them. Other than swim lessons, they don’t do organized activities in the summer – so it’s a lot of tree climbing, lemonade stands, sidewalk chalk, and playing in the sprinkler. I garden, play some tennis, and we go to a cabin on a lake. Plus I’d much rather be too hot than too cold, so there’s that.

Favorite Festive Movie – I think this refers to Christmas, so I’m going with A Christmas Story.  And Elf.

What is your passion? – Anything to do with food or cooking. I read cookbooks cover to cover for fun, obsess over the latest issue of Food & Wine, and plan all trips around where and what we’re going to eat.

Favorite Color –  The perfect shade of blue; it’s somewhere between sea and sky.

Favorite time of day – Probably my kids’ bedtime, but not for the reason you might think. It’s when we read stories and I make different voices for all of the characters, it’s when I hear about stuff that happened in their day (because after school when I ask I get nothin’). For now, they let me fuss over them, like tucking in their sheets just right or putting Vicks on if they have a cold, or braiding the girls’ hair. I’m not sure how much longer that will last, so I’m trying to take advantage of the time. Also, I look at it as my last opportunity to ”parent” for the day, so I want to make sure I do it well. Don’t get me wrong, I also enjoy the “me” time after they are all in bed, when I collapse on the couch like a slug with a book or guilty pleasure TV.

Favorite flower – Blue or green  hydrangeas. They remind me of summer.

Favorite non-alcoholic drink –  the Arnold Palmer. (Lemonade/ice tea mix)

Favorite physical activity – Tennis. Cute outfits and the potential for snacks afterwards. What’s not to love?

Favorite Vacation – Cape Cod or Nantucket. My husband and I got married on Nantucket, and the proximity to the sea gives me an incredible sense of peace. For me, It is the most beautiful place on earth (Unfortunately, we haven’t been back for a long time.  Super bummed about that.) Also, we have an old cabin on a lake up north, that’s been in our family since the 1920s. No TV, no internet access. We go for two weeks a year, and the whole family completely unplugs. We swim in the lake, we fish, we play cards, we read tons of books.  It’s kind of awesome.

What  advice would you give your 20-year-old self? Quit skipping classes. Stay away from frat boys. And when you see a sign on the sidewalk advertising “Discount Perms”, keep walking.

I’m passing this on to Karmen at Chairs from the Curb, because she has a really funny, creative blog and she’s a great storyteller. Seriously, go read her blog. I’m now following her, and you should, too.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

But Does He Do Windows?

Much to my chagrin, every time I clean the house it somehow gets dirty again. I don’t have time for this, people. I am a Very Important Writer, and besides, my mom is many people are waiting for me to post.  So I have decided I need a housekeeper. Good help is hard to find, or so I’ve heard, which is why I have grabbed the nearest five year old (I hear they come cheap) and armed myself with a list of interview questions courtesy of E-How. Yes, it was the first listing that came up in the search engine. What, you expected in-depth research? Please. Dance Moms is coming on any minute now.

Me: First of all, why do you want to be a housekeeper?

Candidate: Um, because I want to help you?

Me: Good answer. What prior experience do you have doing housekeeping work?

Candidate: I don’t know what that means.

Me: What kind of cleaning have you done?

Candidate: Well,I cleaned my toys.

Me: Anything else?

Candidate: I cleaned the table once.

Me: Hmmm. Are there any chores you won’t do?

Candidate: I won’t pick up everything in the basement.

Me: That’s okay, neither will I. It’s creepy down there, amIright? Do you have any other part time jobs that might interfere with this job?

Candidate: (Blank look)

Me: Do you do anything else during the day?

Candidate: I go to school and sometimes horse races.

Me: ????

(A pause here while I check out the school website to ensure that trips to the racetrack are not, in fact, part of the curriculum.)

Me: Okay,how many hours a week can you work for me?

Candidate: Ten years.

Me: I think you misunderstood the… oh never mind.  Do you have any problems with children or pets?

Candidate: I won’t work with children but I will work with pets.

Me: Why not?

Candidate: Because I’m too small.

Me: Got it. How would you clean a hardwood floor?

Candidate : Um, with a broom?

Me: Fair enough. Tell me how you would get a stain out of a white shirt.

Candidate: Use Kleenex?

Me: Okay. How much would you like to be paid, due to your prowess with Kleenex?

Candidate: One hundred.

Me: Seems like a lot for someone so short. Is there anything you want to ask me?

Candidate : No.

Me: Okay, thanks for coming.  I’ll be in touch soon.

Candidate: Okay. (Begins playing with Legos on the floor).

Me: Are you going to clean those up when you’re done?

Candidate:  No.

And the search continues.