The Bagel from Hell

 

It's a bagel, not quantum physics.

It’s a bagel, not quantum physics.

 

Scene: Hotel, spring break.  Continental breakfast bar. 8:00 a.m. I haven’t yet had coffee.  This fact is important.

Five: Can I have a bagel?

Me: Of course you can.

Five: I don’t know where the bagels are.

Me: I’ll come with you and help you find them.

I get up to search the breakfast bar.

Me: Oh, look, here they are.

Five: That has seeds all over it. I don’t want it.

Me: That’s the only kind they have. They’re just sesame seeds. If you want a bagel, that’s your only choice.

Five: Okay. I’ll have it.

Me: It’s really big. How about you just have half?

I glance around for a knife. Meanwhile, the line behind us grows longer. The person next in line offers his knife.

Using an elaborate system of tongs and butter knife, I attempt to remove half of the bagel without touching it so it doesn’t go to waste, while the line of impatient breakfast eaters behind grows even longer. Finally successful, I am unsure what to do with the guy’s knife. I attempt to hand it back to him but now he looks at the knife like it is carrying the Black Death  so I put it down.

Five carries the  bagel to the table. Sits down. And then…

Five: Can I get it toasted? I want it toasted, Mom.

Me: Yes, you can toast it.

Five: But, I don’t know where the toaster is!

I point out the toaster, and he goes off to toast his bagel.

A minute later, he is back, looking glum.

Five:  Mom, I don’t know how to use that toaster.

Husband gets up to help him toast the bagel. They come back in a few minutes. Victory! Oh, wait…

Five:Mom, I want butter on my bagel!

At this point I’m growing slightly impatient with the whole process of the bagel. This next bit may have been said with clenched teeth, but I’m not sure.)

Me: Then. Go. Get. Butter.

He goes to get butter, comes back. Attempts to put butter on bagel unsuccessfully.

Five: Mom, I can’t spread this butter!

I reach over and put the butter on the bagel. Kid settles in to eat buttered, toasted bagel. Happy, he swings his feet while he chews.

One minute and two bites later:

Five: Mom, I don’t want this anymore.

Aaaaand, scene.

 

Happy Spring Break, everyone! May your week be sunny, or at least less complicated than a kindergartener ordering breakfast.

Comments

  1. Robin Jingjit says:

    Hey were you spying on my family on our last vacation??

  2. Something about a sitting mom that kids just hate…

  3. Oh my god. It’s that “impatient breakfast eating line” that gets me every time…glad to know it’s not just us! Thanks for the post, very funny.

  4. I hate continental breakfast for just this reason. But if you wait until it’s almost over, you can let the kids graze freely without anyone giving you dirty looks. Trust me on this.

    • I’m not a fan of the continental breakfast either, but for different reasons. The kids love it though. Waiting until there are fewer people sounds like a great idea for next time!

  5. Isn’t it amazing how something as simple as a bagel can turn into a half hour project?! Sometimes I wonder why oh why I don’t have a body like Heidi Klum when it seems I can’t ever find the time to eat. 🙂 Very funny post. I can so totally relate.
    Found you via Honest Voices Tuesday Link up.

    • Oh, I get to eat, it’s just that my food is usually cold by then. Now, if cold food somehow had fewer calories, I’d be all set.

  6. My kid wants every type of juice they offer when we are stuck in our roadside hotel. Then drinks one sip of each and declares himself done.

  7. I think I would have cracked under the pressure and said “YOU ARE GOING TO EAT EVERY SINGLE CRUMB OF THAT BAGEL AND YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE OR YOU ARE NEVER EATING AGAIN IT IS THAT CLEAR?”

    • Meh. You forget I hadn’t yet had coffee. I was highly unmotivated to do anything requiring an iota of energy.

Speak Your Mind

*