Cancel My Order for Buffalo

Coming soon to a suburb near you!

Coming soon to a suburb near you!

Dear Livestock Supplier,

I am writing to ask you to please cancel my order for the herd of buffalo I recently placed while in a jet-lagged stupor.

Allow me to explain. I just returned from a trip to Italy, and it seems Italy does funny things to your psyche. Probably something to do with a lack of pasteurization, but I digress. While in Italy, I had the most amazing buffalo milk mozzarella, the kind of thing that, once you eat it, you just know that once you go back to the United States all of the food is just going to suck. Life changing, this stuff.

So of course, me being me, I started to think, “Hey! How can I get this stuff into the U.S.?” but of course I never even considered smuggling it back in my suitcase packed in dry ice and wrapped in many layers of sweaters so the customs agents wouldn’t find it. Because that would be wrong. (Whoo hoo! Shout out to the USDA! I love you crazy guys!) I mean, we have buffalo mozzarella here, but trust me when I say it’s not even in the same league as the stuff in Italy.

Again, me being me, I started to think, “Hey! I can learn to make it myself! That’s it! I will become an artisan cheesemaker, specializing in fresh buffalo mozzarella!” This was possibly after having an espresso. Like drinking paint thinner, but really gets the thought process jumpin’, ya know? Oh, it was going to be fantastic! We would of course have our own small farm, and I’ve always wanted a farm.

And of course, to learn to make the cheese, we would have to move to Italy for a few months, where we would rent a small farmhouse somewhere near Campania, and where a local cheesemaker named Luigi would take us under his wing and teach us his traditional, secret, cheesemaking ways, but only after we cracked his irascible exterior, which is a result of his beloved wife Carmela being killed in a bizarre cheese-making sort of accident, and he blames himself, but we help him see that it IT WASN’T HIS FAULT and then there is a heartwarming scene with hugs and tears and then he teaches my kids some Italian. (Aaaand scene.)

Or something like that. Where was I?

Oh yes, I had it all worked out. Until I realized that in order to make buffalo mozzarella, you need buffalo milk. From an actual buffalo. Which would involve milking buffalos. Buffali. Anyhoo. That’s where you came in. After I placed my order for said buffalo, I read the fine print. I find it necessary to reverse my decision, and here’s why.

Aside from the obvious size issue (buffalo aren’t exactly space-savers, amiright?) It turns out they’re not docile at all. Buffalo (buffali?) are incredibly cranky animals, and being milked pretty much makes them want to kill people. I saw the pictures – there’s hate in those eyes, people. (Cut to scene of my children fleeing to the house in a panic with an angry, snorting buffalo on their heels.) I’m not envisioning many people lining up for the job, is all I’m saying.

Also, we don’t have an actual farm yet, and these animals need to be surrounded by a 6-7 foot fence. Therefore our attractive split rail fence which contains the dog so nicely might not work out so well. I can just imagine the calls from the neighbors: “Um, hi, it’s Brenda, from down the street? Yeah, I just wanted to let you know your buffalo herd is out again. They’re heading toward Mrs. Miller’s… Whoops! They just trampled Mrs. Miller. Oh, that’s a shame. Anyhow, see you at the block party! Toodles!”

Lastly, according to your website, it only takes 3 to 4 generations of calving to make them docile enough to milk. And that involves lots of blecchhy artificial insemination, of which I am certain I want no part. Of. I just wanted some cheese!

In closing, please cancel my order. I may be interested in some goats, however. Everyone loves goat cheese, right? See, I have this idea, that involves a small farmhouse in the French countryside, and an irascible goat cheese maker named Pierre…

All the best,

Lisa

Comments

  1. My mom always used to come up with amazing, life-changing, adventurous ideas like these whenever she had a migraine and had to take migraine medicine. Hahahah… she’d start talking about traveling the US in a caravan and we’d know she’d had a headache that morning.

  2. Absolutely hysterical. I’ve made string cheese, but that’s about it – and I started from fresh mozzarella curd. No animals were injured in the making of the string cheese! 😉 [#TALU]

    • Aside from the “owning buffalo” and “moving to Italy” part, I’m totally gonna make this mozzarella thing happen. But first I need to get my hands on some curd. And that right there? Is why I am and always will be a food nerd. ‘Cause I’m pretty sure other people don’t say things like that.

  3. that’s hysterical! great letter! and who doesn’t love cheese??? but i have to tell you it really made me laugh because i was raised on a cattle farm and your herd getting out and visiting the neighbors – oh, it happens! lol. best of luck with those goats! they leave footprints on the hood of your car. just be warned. 🙂 TALU 🙂

    • Thanks for the nice comment! That must have been an adventure, growing up on a cattle farm. We had a farm with cattle, but I didn’t live there. I remember the cattle guards at the gates… something my Connecticut born husband didn’t recognize when it was a question on Jeopardy. Ah, the perks of growing up in Ohio!

  4. You are totally in my head. hahaha. I love to meet other over analyzers. Very funny post – and I agree, maybe Buffalo farming is too big of a leap right now with your split rail fence and all. lol (TALU)

  5. Oh, hahaha! I don’t know what’s funnier, your tangential thought process or the thought of the errant buffalo herd trampling neighbors. Thanks for the laughs!
    And thanks for linking this up with the TALU…

    • Thanks Anne! I’m quite certain rural America is more than marginally better off due to the fact that I live in the suburbs.

  6. Oh my! I’m laughing so hard! My good friend has been trying to get me to buy a water buffalo (because we have an acre and she doesn’t????) FOREVER. It does make you wonder how those Italians do it.

    BTW, go with the goats. I did, and they’re awesome!
    (TALU)

    • Pretty sure we’re not zoned for any livestock whatsoever where we currently live, including goats. Sigh. But, someday…

  7. Loved the Italian fantasy–lol. Buffalo do seem a bit much, but it would be so cool if you got goats and made your own cheese! I’ve toyed with the idea of getting my own chickens. Maybe some day. 🙂 TALU

    • Oh, chickens would be the best! Someday I’d love to do that. For now, I have to settle for getting eggs from a farm nearby.

  8. You are hilarious. Good choice in cancelling the order. I’ve been to a buffalo preserve, and those are some huge, scary animals. I can’t imagine touching one, let alone milking one.

    • Thanks for the nice comment! Yeah, sometimes when my imagination runs away from me I come up with these wacky life plans. Fortunately I usually come back to reality before any neighbors are trampled.

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  1. […] some of you may recall from this post, since our trip to Italy in November I have become obsessed with getting my hands on, if not […]

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