Anti-Valentines: My Latest Million Dollar Idea

While I am taking an unwilling  break from blogging, please enjoy this festive Valentine’s post that originally ran last year.  


Sadly, after the kids left preschool, these adorable anthropomorphic plums were never able to find work again.

Sadly, after the kids left preschool, these adorable anthropomorphic plums were never able to find work again.


Apparently, sixth grade is the cut-off for school Valentines. Lucy told me, in no uncertain terms, “Bleccchh. No way am I bringing Valentine cards to school.” No ambiguity there. She wanted to bring candy, though. Apparently that is still within the realm of social acceptability for kids her age. So we trotted out yesterday in search of lollipops. She selected a box from the conveniently located Valentines display at the front of the store, we paid, and headed for home. We were halfway home when she ripped  open the box and was horrified to find out that the lollipops all had messages on them.

And not just any messages. These were emblazoned with gems such as “I Love You” Kiss me” Be mine” You’re Hot” You’re Cute” “Date me” “Totally Yours”, among others.

“Gaaahhh! What am I gonna do? I can’t hand these out, I’ll never live it down!”  she yelled, fully aware of the social devastation that would most certainly occur. Serious business, apparently, to send the wrong message.

I, of course, was laughing too hard to be of any help.

Industrious girl that she is, when we got home she grabbed a Sharpie and blacked out all unacceptable messages. Y’all, she was as efficient as CBS blacking out Katy Perry’s cleavage at the Grammys. Problem solved.

Note to the Valentines Candy People: You are leaving money on the table! Because unless you’re making expensive, exquisite artisan chocolates, most of your market is elementary school children. And children of this age? Mostly think the opposite sex is “meh”, if not downright yucky.

In that light, might I suggest a different marketing strategy, geared specifically for the 2nd through 6th grade buyer?We’ll call them Anti-Valentines.

Here are my ideas for alternative messages:

“You’re not totally gross.”

“You’re okay, I guess.”

“I’ll sit next to you because I have to. Just don’t talk.”

“Best Friends Forever. Or at least until next week.”

“I like you, but I don’t “like you” like you.”

“You could be worse.”

“You have Cheetos stuck in your braces.”

“Kiss me and I’ll slug you and then tell the teacher.”

“I guess you’d be cute if you weren’t so short.”

“Dad says I’m not allowed to date until I’m 30.” “

“You have nice handwriting.”

“Sometimes you can be kinda funny I guess.”

“You are okay at square dancing. Just try not to touch me.”


These will fly off the shelves, I guarantee it. You’re welcome, Candy Manufacturers. You get working on this right away, and I’ll see you next year.



  1. I went out at my 13 year old’s request last night to get him a present for his girlfriend. He forgot it this morning and when he got home this evening he told me that he didn’t need it anymore, he was probably breaking up with her tomorrow. WHAT?! They’ve been ‘dating’ since October. 6th-8th graders are WEIRD. 🙂

  2. Ha! I think you are on to something. Love it.

  3. Hahaha! So true and SO AWESOME.

  4. I love this blog! Thanks for the smile. And if you’re taking an unwilling break from blogging, I’m going to assume that you need to smile too. So let me make YOU laugh with a Valentine’s Day blog of my own!

    What’s Wuv Got to Do With It?

    • Wow! Actual royalty visited my blog! I have to say I’m honored. Thanks for the kind words. Hopping over to check out your post now!

  5. P.S. What exactly is Bloglovin and how did you get on it?

    • Bloglovin’ is a neat little site, and super easy to use, that allows you to keep track of all of the blogs you like to read all in one place. You just search for the name of the blog, then click follow. That’s really it. All existing blogs can be followed, whether their owners have signed up for Bloglovin’ or not. But you have to sign up if you want a customized feed of all of your favorite blogs, and if you want to see who is following your blog. Oh, and I just followed you!

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