All The Leaves Are Brown

 

"Don't come any closer. After I finish lolling in this hay I'm gonna make it into a lovely fall centerpiece."

“Don’t come any closer. After I finish lolling in this hay I’m gonna make it into a lovely fall centerpiece.”

 

I’m just going to throw this out there, and don’t hate me. Fall is not my favorite season. (Ducks as you guys pelt me with gourds.)

Now, before all of you Autumn-philes get your plaid flannel undies in a bunch, let me explain. I don’t hate fall, but it comes in third place out of the four seasons.

I used to love fall. There was just something about wood smoke, apple picking, firepits, and a nip in the air that was enticing. When I was young, I could romanticize it. But lately I’m having trouble finding the romance, folks. Now that I’m a parent, fall is “back-to-school, homework, sports, write another check, you need a what by tomorrow morning?” season. This fall my oldest daughter has started the high school application process, which adds another ten items to the “to do” list”  and shoves those Pinterest-y fall pleasures right off the page. I’ve become a fall grumpy-pants, and those pants aren’t Super Skinny Stretch Cords in Cinnamon Spice Latte.

Pinterest is a big fat lying liar mouth anyway. Who has time right now to throw together a “hearty fall stew”? Or a slow roasted apple cider pork loin? No one? Me either. Actually I did have some time, but that was back in July.  We did manage to go apple picking once, but it turns out you have to go in August instead of October. No chill in the air or  snappy jeans, boots, and scarf ensemble here, folks. Now you have to battle 90 degree heat and swarms of bees when you’re picking apples, and it feels… off. ‘Cause by mid-September, apple picking is over. Call one of the local apple farms in October, you’ll hear a sympathetic chuckle and be told that you are SOL until next year.

I don’t even like pumpkin spice lattes. There, I said it. Yep, my fall is the farthest thing from a pretty Pinterest picture you can get.

And to the disappointment of my kids, our house is usually the least “Halloween-y” one on the block.  Halloween is one night. One. Night. You’re supposed to carve a pumpkin with triangle eyes and a toothy mouth, toss it onto your front porch, and shove your kids  out the door dressed as  witches, clowns, or ghosts. Now those creepy Costume Express pop-up places start showing up in decrepit strip malls in August, and people start putting up decorations in September. I’m just not on board.  Weeks ago, my neighbors across the street decorated their yard with giant inflatable monsters, which by now are  slumped over in a pathetic tableau of half-inflated misery. “Pssssssshhhhhhhhttttt”, You can hear them whisper sadly as the air leaks out. Holy patch kit, Batman. There  went $59.99.

It’s pressure, I tell you. My children look at me with sad eyes, wondering how it was their lot in life to be born to a mother with no desire to decorate her yard with giant blow-up ghosts , vampires, or Frankensteins. I just don’t do Halloween. It’s one night, second only to New Year’s Eve in the build up of expectation and pressure to have fun and then the let down the next morning and the feeling that you spent a truckload of money and then it’s just…over.

But I don’t want to be the sucky, stressed, no-fun mom, so I’m trying to be more festive for the sake of my kids. I won’t decorate for “Halloween”, per se, but I decided this year I’ll decorate for “fall”. In an effort to pretty up my front porch  I tried to buy some mums, but it’s October and they’re sold out at the garden center. Whoops, I’ve missed the hayride once again. What to do?

Well, I did some informal research, and it turns out fall is the only season in which we are allowed to decorate with Things That Are Dead. We can pay a small fortune to decorate with hay bales, dried leaves, and cornstalks.  Brown and shriveled is the name of the game. (Motto for fall: In your face, chlorophyll!)  There is an advantage to being a fall decorating slacker all these years, because all I have to do is throw some dried up vegetation on my porch and my kids will be thrilled to pieces. If I  throw in some bats and a ghost or two , my one small concession to Halloween festivity, I’ll practically be a damn hero. I may find the romance in fall once again. No inflatables required.  (And I just realized I typed “romance ” and inflatables” in one post. Attracting every creep on the planet in 3,2,1…)

Oh well. Happy Friday, everyone!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

  1. I too fail in the Halloween decoration department. Some folks in my neighbourhood go all out – over the top – so I don’t even try any more. LOL My kids have come to accept it. Stopping by from #sitsblogging.

  2. The only pressure is the pressure we put on ourselves! I only go on pinterest at birthday party times or to promote my blog…I can’t stand it!

    • Yeah, I’ve got way too much going on in the fall to put pressure on myself to decorate for Halloween. Something’s got to give.

  3. I refuse to go over the top. I admire Pinterest stuff, but I know I’ll never make it. We have basic decorations–store bought–I don’t craft.

  4. Ok first off don’t read my last couple of posts!!!!! That said, I too have not even thought about decorating this year…. There are two dying pumpkins on the porch that have to go in the trash tomorrow!!!! They have mold on them. I love fall, but I hear and know where you are coming from with regards to the back to school thing, I hate that. Thanks for the laugh!!!!

    • Okay, you know I totally Have to read them now. That’s like a challenge. Yep, fall is tough. Bring on winter, when we can hunker down and not have to go anywhere!

      • Haha. I hope you didn’t…. I see you wrote back about missing things from where ever you are from. Gosh I miss Fish & Chips. Urgh. I so dislike flipping winter. The cold I can deal with. Its that awful four letter word i hate. Sn*w…..

        • I love snow, the more the better. I find it peaceful. But totally with you on the fish and chips. If you ever find a decent place here in the states let me know!

  5. I think there is so much pressure around all of the holidays now. I always imagined I would be one of those moms who would decorate for them all, but now that I am, not so much! I still love fall, but I only have an infant, so we’ll see how I feel about it a few years when she’s in school. Stopping by from #SITSBlogging.

    • Things definitely ramp up when school becomes a part of the equation. Enjoy your fall, and have some cider for me!

  6. Perhaps you had a premonition, I mean look what happened at the pumpkin festival in New Hampshire over the weekend. Wait, maybe they were loving fall just a little too much.

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